Have you ever experienced one of those nights when sleep evades you and you’d rather just work? That’s me at the moment; writing this new blog and just feeling lost. Lost from time. Lost from people. I don’t know what it is. Is it love that I am missing? Is it a companion that I am missing? What is it?

Yet, another night of lost thoughts. I am lost. Lost from everything I do. Lost from feelings from this dusty body. Lost from forming any coherent thoughts in this empty brain. Although people claim that I am smart, I am not. I don’t see myself the way people portray me. Rather, I see myself as missing; not an adjective, but appropriate nonetheless. Something within me is missing and I can honestly feel it as I type this up. It’s difficult to decipher these empty feelings into words. Maybe I am losing my mind. To such an extent that all I feel is numb. So numb that I’ve just stopped caring about the opinions of others’ and have begun focusing on myself. I have gotten used to being left in the dark. It all starts when people would come into my life, completely supportive and kind with what I do. The moment I turn my back, however, they spew out all the hatred and negatives about me like a pack of jelly beans spilling. Trust, has been once again broken and once again, I am quite alone. Do I hate it? Yes I do. But, do I have a choice? Nope. I’ve just got to continue living on with my head held up high and my heart trained to be strong.

We came to this world alone. We will leave this world alone. No one and nothing is coming with us. Depending on others for acceptance or guidance shouldn’t be the way to live. You shouldn’t love your life based on judgement, at all. Leaning on someone is way different than living based on their opinions. Do not let go of your will to live over someone. I have dropped a best friend of mine just because he consistently loved keeping me in the dark. If he likes to keep secrets, that is his karams (doings).

Ever felt worthless? Ever felt that no matter how much you’ve tried to fix things, it just tends to get worse?Ever felt like you always have to do the right thing and can’t mess up (not even once), because you aren’t human (or supposed to act like one)?Ever felt that even if you messed up once, that you won’t get another chance?Don’t you ever want to just give up and vanish?

That is the number one problem with today’s world and its relationships. They don’t want to invest effort into fixing the problems between one another. If it’s not done for them, the most pleasing option is to give up. These days, the lack of confidence that individuals have when attempting to mend relationships leads to basically throwing out whatever they worked towards, like it never happened. Many of these thoughts can be a cause of their upbringing, a clear parallel of their parents’ relationship. There can be various events in their lives that affected them to think and follow in their parents’ footsteps.

Giving up in life shouldn’t be an option. Yes, there will be times in life that you will fail which will make you want to give up. Do you know, that however, at the very moment you make this life changing decision, there can be good things waiting just up ahead? You never know how close you are to that closed door that you always desired to open. Open the one that with it, will bring satisfying news. But obviously you’ll never get the chance to reveal in it because you stopped yourself short from achieving it. Then you’ll be left wondering, “What if I didn’t give up?”; imagining how your life could have turned out to be if you didn’t give up and worked up the confidence to open that shut door. What people tend to forget is that mistakes happen. How are you going to grow if you don’t make mistakes and realize? There are no such things as a “perfect” lifestyle, “perfect” relationship, and a “perfect” upbringing. One thing my mother taught me was that no matter how hard life will be with you, never give up and always deal with situations with a smile. Life is all about living and learning.

You will make mistakes. You will regret. You will feel like giving up. But, don’t throw something away like it’s garbage, just because you don’t know how to handle that situation. If some things are garbage, then yes, let go. But, never do it under anyone’s influences and judgement. People will try to put you through hell and then convince you to give up because we live in a world where people will be sweet to your face, but they won’t stand up for you behind your back.

As I walk outside during the night and look at the stars, one question keeps popping into my mind. Who am I? Two eyes. Two ears. One nose. One mouth. Who am I? People label me based on my gender. People label me based on my religion. People label me based on my looks. Why? Am I not who you guys are? Don’t I have what you guys have? Why am I being treated different? Why am I being labeled? Why am I not like you? I have what you guys have. I am who you guys are. I am a human being. I have emotions like you do. I feel pain just as you do. But, who am I?

My name is Infamoussingh and I’m proud of my speech disability.

Just keep in mind to keep your head up and stay smiling. Life may be rough now, but there’s always a rainbow after every storm. Either learn how to dance with the rain or lay down and let the storms pass. Either way, the sun comes out after a dark night. It doesn’t stay dark forever. Live. Love. Learn.

This is my Project Why.


© 2023 by Infamoussingh.

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