I have came across many people while growing up in life. Just sitting here and reevaluating my life. Did I make any bad decisions? Did I make a bad choice? Did I do this on purpose? What am I doing? Why am I dropping people left and right without thinking twice? Why doesn’t this hurt anymore? What is going on with me? Am I going to die? It has been eating me alive. People would just judge me based on the way I would behave around others. I would be judged based on the way I looked and dressed, and no one offered to be my friend to get to know how I am internally. People think I am a monster when I open up to them. People just assume that I would understand what is going on in their lives. Like I know what is going on with my life, you expect me to understand your schedules.
Letting go, seems like one of the most peaceful things I have done in the past few months. I have lost a lot of people in such short time. At this moment in my life and time, I am just fed up. Knowing the efforts that I will put in, will show me no results so why put in any effort consistently? Why waste time when I can invest that time into myself, grow myself, and educate myself into a better person?
I woke up in the morning. Running on 2-3 hours of sleep. Everything was packed. Saw my mom getting ready for work as I saw my little sister waking up. I got up and headed to the bathroom. Brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Tied my turban as I washed my face. I walked out and got dressed. I made sure that I packed everything I needed and made sure nothing was left behind. I continued to walk out the door and headed to my car.
While driving, with an empty mind, feeling nervous and hopeful. Feeling like everything is about to change from day on out. Knowing that the past I have, I don’t control and can’t even change what has happened to me. Major changes are about to happen and I felt it within my heart. As I got close to the airport, my heart continued to beat faster and faster. I parked my car. I shifted my suitcases into another car as my family friends continued the journey to drop me off to the airport.
As I got into the airport, the nerves wrecking feelings continue to grow as I look for the bathroom. As I got back, I got into line. I checked in and went through TSA. I continued to walk to the gate and the panic increased. I boarded on my plane and I waited as the plane was about to take off. I sat on the aisle side of the row. Thankfully I sat next to two wonderful women. I continued to panic as my flight took off.
This one lady, who’s in her mid 50’s, modernized, pretty chill, was going to India alone for the first time. The lady next to her, who’s in her mid 20’s, was nervous as well because she was heading to India for her own wedding. I spoke to the aunty next to me as she questioned about my life. Little did I know, I stopped panicking and stressing out as I continued to hear her side of the story that we all call “LIFE”.
Her life was quite simple. She graduated from college in 1983 as an amazing developer but always taught her children, as she was explaining to me, that life is about living the way you want to live it, and do what really makes you happy. I was quite surprised and quite shocked that she said that because aunties her age usually demand their children to get a degree and live life under their impression. The lady next to her, who agreed with the aunty between us, said she always wanted to know if she will marry the “right” one; wanting to know if she isn't making a wrong choice in life where she might regret it. She then mentioned that life is all about taking the risks and having a back up plan in case she falls down.
Suddenly listening to these two beautiful, down to earth, inspirational ladies, my life perspectives had changed within the matter of an hour. Showing the aunty my photography works and how she was in love with my work, was a completely mind blowing experience I’ve ever had in my experiences of flying. Life has taught me something here as I continue my journey to my vacation. Life isn’t about what you have done in the past. Life is about what you are going to do today. Life is about what you are going to do tomorrow. If you want to make changes, don’t make changes that take place in the past. Make changes in your present which will help you make changes tomorrow. After 15 straight hours in the air, I can finally say,”Touchdown, I am home.” Breathing in this new air and breathing out all the negativity that was stored inside my body and mind. I continued to walk, as my eyes became very teary, knowing the fact that it has been 4 years since I have been here.
Four years ago was the last time I visited this place, where it only has been two years since I had shut down my heart. I refused to let anyone play with my heart like it was some kind of toy. Life was different. No expectations. No tension. No worries. No negativity. As I continued to walk, the flashbacks began when I had first messaged her and how those memories slowly started to erase like it never existed. All this time that has been spent with her, went down the drain. The feelings for her, gone. I don’t know what it was. I panicked a little but that was gone the moment I met my cousins. As I gave them a hug, my brain just deleted all those memories. What happened?
All the memories from 4 years ago started to overlap her memories. My cousin took my bag cart and continued to walk me to the parking lot. At this moment, I feel like I have left the old me just inside that airport, let it wander and be negative. As we got to the car, I felt like I was a new person, waiting to build and make new memories to store within me that I can bring with me as I fly back. Those beautiful memories that will remind me, why life is a beautiful place to live in. Those beautiful memories that will remind me to live to the fullest, just for me and not for anyone else.
As I put my bags in the car and sit inside, I closed the doors to all the negativity in my life because I don’t have time for that. As I pulled my window up and let the AC air hit my face, I continued to smile knowing that this trip is going to be a game changer for my photography, myself and especially, my life. This is the turning point of my life. This is where everything is going to change and fall into place. As I see many trees pass by me, all the memories have been erased. Deleted. Gone.
Any regrets? Nope. Hurt? Nope, not at all. As I continue on my ride to my home, I stayed smiling. Smiling and laughing throughout the 10 hours ride. No depression. No anxiety. No negative thoughts. No suicidal thoughts. All happy thoughts. Happy vibes. Happy and healthy life. This is where I’ve realized, I love myself. My worth. “I am worth it,” I said to myself. Life has given me another chance, once again. Just to make myself happy. Just to put myself first, before anyone that actually matters. I matter first. I need to be happy. I need to be smiling. I love myself.A car stop. Waking up from a nap. This was a rest stop from our 3 hour car ride. 3 hours down, 7 hours to go. I got out of the car, still thinking that I was home. Life is so beautiful out here. No a tension, no stress. The life out here may seem easy but I was just judging a book by its cover. Time seems to slow down here, yet everything around me seems to be going faster.As I stretch, one thing caught my attention. It was a little kid with ripped clothes, dark skin, beautiful eyes. It was a beautiful girl at the age around of 4 or 5 years. No matter what clothes she was wearing, no matter what was happening in her life, she was extremely happy and had a smile on her face. I was really confused. Then, I realize that she was having the time of her life playing with a stick. This seemed mind blowing to me.
The reason why it’s mind blowing to me is because back home, I would hear people complain about their life or about not going to the concert they want to go to or not having money to do what they want to do. But, what I just witnessed the moment I landed, was to enjoy the moment you have now in life. And I have learned that from a child about the age of 4-5 years old. That’s the crazy part about life. Sometimes, we don’t learn from our elders; we learn from our youngsters as well. No matter how stubborn you are or how egoistic you want to be, we learn from everyone.
I smiled as I saw that little girl. I thank god for giving me the life I was given. Little things in life, matter. You should be happy about everything in your life, even the smallest. People should not take life for granted. Life shouldn’t be defined by someone you’re dating. Life shouldn’t be defined by someone’s judgement. Life is all about what you want to do and what makes you happy. Life is a happy place, if only you make it a happy place.
I sat down to eat as I continued to observe everything around me. Life over here, is quite different. Servers, don’t seem to be happy with their life, but they don’t give up living. They don’t quit and just give up in life. Where I am, there is no such thing as giving up. As I ate and sip some tea, it triggered to me. “Why did I want to quit over a girl? Why did I want to throw everything away for a girl? Am I really stupid?” I smiled at my stupidity. My immaturity and my dependence on someone, on some girl, has really thrown me off guard. It was a quite an eye opener for me about life. I can now live my life, just the way I want to without the need of anyone’s approval.
As I got out of the restaurant and was waiting for my cousins to get out of the bathroom, that same little girl came and gave a hug on my left leg and said, “I love you.” I almost teared up. After a 15 hour flight and 3 hour car ride and many more to go, it was crazy that a little girl like her was happy and hyper. Little did I know, she was blind. It really shocked me hard. A blind girl, at the age of 4-5 years, just living life with a smile on her face with no compliant. Which taught me an important life lesson. Live this life if as it is your last, live each day in life if as it is your last but with a smile on your face and no fears about what tomorrow may hold. You can’t build your present by living in your past and you can’t have a successful tomorrow if something is wrong today.
Live life with a smile on your face.
My name is Infamoussingh and this is my story behind Project Why.